finally.. Posted at 11:56 PM Everything I do, as pathetic as it sounds, I do to get your attention.

Today, I purposely took a snapchat video of the lovely bamboo tunnel right outside of the Environmental House and made it my story, because I know you look at my story. I knew you would know exactly where I was and I was hoping that you would come to the Environmental art show. And just thirty minutes later, there you were. I don't know if my devious plan actually worked or if you actually needed to be at the art show as a requirement for one of your classes, the only thing that mattered to me was the fact that you were there. I haven't seen you in person since May. You haven't changed at all. That took me by surprise. I'm not sure what that surprised me because I know you're not the type of guy to change in just a couple months, but I thought you'd be a completely different person for some reason. Even if what I saw of you was just a glimpse as I was walking out of the art show, I'm glad I got to see you. It all happened so fast. I was walking out and you were in my way. It was dark so I thought you were some random stranger. But in the middle of me saying "excuse me" I realized it was you. You turned your head to look at me and I quickly turned away because I was completely shocked. I wouldn't know how to react if you said hello.

Why do I keep romanticizing the thought of you? Is it because you were the first guy to ever make me feel special? Or is it because I'm fucked up? Probably both.

Obviously, if you ever tried talking to me, I would take that offer and act as if nothing happened. But really, I'm completely hurt from what you did. Partly because it's my fault. I told you from the start that I wasn't looking for a relationship but I know that a relationship was all you wanted. I never really showed public affection towards you. From what I heard, you enjoy that kind of stuff. And I guess I knew it was going to be over but I changed my mind. I wanted you, I wanted all of you. I wanted you to be mine. But I just couldn't tell you that because by the time I realized what I wanted, you didn't want it anymore.

Why I'm hurt, though? Because of the things you said about me. Now, I don't know if they're completely true since I heard it from a person who doesn't like you too much. But saying such disrespectful things about me when you don't mean it? How could you do that? I was nothing but nice to you the entire time we knew each other. Even when I saw you with a different girl, literally a week after you ended things with me, I let it go and said "I can't blame him for moving on". I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. And when you hear about me 'holding hands' with some guy that I considered one of my good friends, you lash out on me? I was actually linking arms with my best friend's guy interest (I went above and beyond to make them talk again, I even had deep conversations with both of them to make each other realize they were perfect for each other) while my best friend was there. She didn't have a problem with it and neither did he. I don't know why that hurt you so bad when I saw you walking back into your room with a different girl.

I still remember you asking me if I loved you. As if you wanted me to love you. And I think I do. And I told you so. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. You remember it too. "How could I forget?"
I hate thinking about that night. That's when you told me the whole truth. You told me about her. You kept telling me how much she liked you and how she wanted to be in a relationship with you. You even showed me all those texts. Why? Why did you show me all that? Do you realize how hard it was for me to deal with your drunk ass and act like none of that bothered me? Because it did. And why did you have to kiss me? I stopped you multiple times before that and I told you that I didn't want to kiss you because of that girl. It wasn't fair to her or me. But more importantly, why did I kiss you back? Why did I let you hold me? But thank god, when you climbed into your bed and asked me to cuddle and I said no, you said "it's not like we're going to fuck." Is that what you call it? Fucking? I thought it was just a little deeper than that. You saying that was a sign that I had to go. So I waited till you fell asleep, turned off your lights, and left you.

You wronged me in so many ways and I really don't think I've wronged you in any way. If I have, please let me know. You don't deserve me yet I want you so bad. I want it all back. I want you back in my life and I hate that. Keeping the thought of you alive in my mind is toxic for me. But I do it anyway, every day. I just want this loneliness to end.