Posted at 3:49 PM I think there's nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve. Your intentions are true and you make it known.

What if someone comes and takes advantage of that? You'll only end up getting hurt.

Then that's life. I'm okay with getting hurt because at least I'll be true to my feelings. And I know there's someone who won't hurt me.

Posted at 12:09 AM I'm not sure if this makes sense..

I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be happy and all. I just don't want to see it.

Posted at 9:39 PM This entire time, these past eight/nine months, all I wanted was to be with you. But I've realized something just now.

I'm not in your future. How we met was a miracle because if it weren't for that one instance, I would've never known about you. And I'm absolutely glad that I met you. Because of you, I've found a love for many things that I wouldn't have caught up with in time. Thank you for that. You've inspired me to be a great person and that's what I'm working towards.

I wish you the best and I hope nothing but amazing things happen for the rest of your life. Find that girl you love and marry her.

As for myself, I'll find someone fit for me. One day, but I don't think I need anyone right now. I'm actually just waiting for a guy to walk into my life rather than me going out and finding him. So I'll keep doing what I do. Wish me luck.

Posted at 1:13 AM You're becoming a distant dream.

Posted at 8:43 PM Please just talk to me. I need some kind of actual closure. Even then, I probably won't stop thinking about you. But it'll be good enough to force myself to move on finally.

Posted at 3:02 PM Stupid shit like double sided chapstick is being invented and it annoys me so much.

All the factories that have to be put up to make these stupid unnecessary items do nothing but pollute the environment. It's so irrelevant, I don't understand people.

Posted at 12:13 PM I'm a shithead for already breaking a rule for this blog. Oops.

But I'm also a shithead because I did something really stupid. I got my hopes up, thinking that K would come crawling back to me or whatnot. And that's not the case. I guess when you really want something, you're going to convince yourself that you're going to get it. I leave for my one month and a half winter break in two days and I'll be taking full advantage of that.

Posted at 12:03 PM FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

Posted at 1:51 PM

Posted at 3:25 AM Sometimes I sit in front of my mirror, focus on every feature on my face, and I tell myself that I'm beautiful. It's really hard to do.

finally.. Posted at 11:56 PM Everything I do, as pathetic as it sounds, I do to get your attention.

Today, I purposely took a snapchat video of the lovely bamboo tunnel right outside of the Environmental House and made it my story, because I know you look at my story. I knew you would know exactly where I was and I was hoping that you would come to the Environmental art show. And just thirty minutes later, there you were. I don't know if my devious plan actually worked or if you actually needed to be at the art show as a requirement for one of your classes, the only thing that mattered to me was the fact that you were there. I haven't seen you in person since May. You haven't changed at all. That took me by surprise. I'm not sure what that surprised me because I know you're not the type of guy to change in just a couple months, but I thought you'd be a completely different person for some reason. Even if what I saw of you was just a glimpse as I was walking out of the art show, I'm glad I got to see you. It all happened so fast. I was walking out and you were in my way. It was dark so I thought you were some random stranger. But in the middle of me saying "excuse me" I realized it was you. You turned your head to look at me and I quickly turned away because I was completely shocked. I wouldn't know how to react if you said hello.

Why do I keep romanticizing the thought of you? Is it because you were the first guy to ever make me feel special? Or is it because I'm fucked up? Probably both.

Obviously, if you ever tried talking to me, I would take that offer and act as if nothing happened. But really, I'm completely hurt from what you did. Partly because it's my fault. I told you from the start that I wasn't looking for a relationship but I know that a relationship was all you wanted. I never really showed public affection towards you. From what I heard, you enjoy that kind of stuff. And I guess I knew it was going to be over but I changed my mind. I wanted you, I wanted all of you. I wanted you to be mine. But I just couldn't tell you that because by the time I realized what I wanted, you didn't want it anymore.

Why I'm hurt, though? Because of the things you said about me. Now, I don't know if they're completely true since I heard it from a person who doesn't like you too much. But saying such disrespectful things about me when you don't mean it? How could you do that? I was nothing but nice to you the entire time we knew each other. Even when I saw you with a different girl, literally a week after you ended things with me, I let it go and said "I can't blame him for moving on". I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. And when you hear about me 'holding hands' with some guy that I considered one of my good friends, you lash out on me? I was actually linking arms with my best friend's guy interest (I went above and beyond to make them talk again, I even had deep conversations with both of them to make each other realize they were perfect for each other) while my best friend was there. She didn't have a problem with it and neither did he. I don't know why that hurt you so bad when I saw you walking back into your room with a different girl.

I still remember you asking me if I loved you. As if you wanted me to love you. And I think I do. And I told you so. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. You remember it too. "How could I forget?"
I hate thinking about that night. That's when you told me the whole truth. You told me about her. You kept telling me how much she liked you and how she wanted to be in a relationship with you. You even showed me all those texts. Why? Why did you show me all that? Do you realize how hard it was for me to deal with your drunk ass and act like none of that bothered me? Because it did. And why did you have to kiss me? I stopped you multiple times before that and I told you that I didn't want to kiss you because of that girl. It wasn't fair to her or me. But more importantly, why did I kiss you back? Why did I let you hold me? But thank god, when you climbed into your bed and asked me to cuddle and I said no, you said "it's not like we're going to fuck." Is that what you call it? Fucking? I thought it was just a little deeper than that. You saying that was a sign that I had to go. So I waited till you fell asleep, turned off your lights, and left you.

You wronged me in so many ways and I really don't think I've wronged you in any way. If I have, please let me know. You don't deserve me yet I want you so bad. I want it all back. I want you back in my life and I hate that. Keeping the thought of you alive in my mind is toxic for me. But I do it anyway, every day. I just want this loneliness to end.

Posted at 3:18 PM I think it's fine if my dad and brother are protective in that way over me. Because I'm super protective when it comes to my little brother and sister, just like how an older brother or dad would behave. Why is it suddenly frowned upon for a father or brother to be protective over their daughter or sister? I understand that women want equality, and we well deserve it, but protectiveness is a natural human instinct. So don't try to "destroy" this "idea" because it's not a fucking idea.

Posted at 2:15 PM I remember when I first left Korea and came to America, I was around 5 years old. I have never seen a person of a different ethnicity other than mine. But when I saw my first white person, black person, or latino, I wasn't shocked. Or scared. And I wasn't judging the other person because of their appearance. When I lived in Korea, I wasn't taught to be afraid of people with darker skin than me. That's mostly because everyone around me was the same race. So when I came to America, I wasn't afraid of these people who looked completely different from me. I really just didn't think anything of it. Racism isn't something you're born with. It's something you're taught. Racism is completely unnatural. I don't really understand why it's still such an issue. The biggest problem, really, is that racism is still being broadcasted on TV shows, movies, news, and music. That's what's teaching young children racism. Another problem is that racism is being taught inside of other families. If teaching kids racism wasn't a thing anymore, our future generations wouldn't have to go through half the shit we're going through right now.

Posted at 11:34 PM Disappointing my parents is one of my biggest fears. I don't want to let them down. But what they want for me and what I want for myself are two completely different things.

Posted at 4:30 PM Although this year was one of my favorite years of my life, it was also the hardest. Working like crazy, falling in love, being apart from family, and having a friend and family member die within a week of each other. This year is definitely my most memorable one.

I'm not exactly sure why but I love preserving memories and remembering them. I feel like it's a human super power - being able to recall past experiences and being able to picture it in your mind. Whenever I get high, I remember thoughts I used to think to myself back when I was around 7-10 years old. The feeling I get from remembering these is completely satisfying. Kind of like how you feel when you hear an old song you used to be in love with when you were younger. I wish I could somehow record all my memories and put them into my computer so I can see them whenever I wanted. Who knows, maybe someone will invent technology in the future that will make this happen.

I'm hoping that I won't forget any of the beautiful moments I had this year. They mean a lot to me but sometimes, I lose my memories in my mind. Occasionally however, I randomly get a glimpse of a happy memory, just out of the blue. And that makes me smile no matter what mood I'm in.

Being a human is such a gift and I definitely don't take it for granted. I could live off the happiness of my memories.

Mount St. Elias Posted at 11:32 PM

Photo taken by me.

You can click the photo to enlarge it so you can get a better look at my tattoo.

I have two tattoos on my body. I'm proud of both of them because they both mean a lot to me. If you can't tell, this is a tattoo of Mount Saint Elias. It's totally beautiful and I'm captivated by it's charm. There's even a movie out about it and I haven't seen it yet but I'm definitely going to sooner or later. Click here to see an actual picture of Mount St. Elias. Isn't it breathtaking? I'm so in love with it.

Posted at 7:49 PM Friends are good. Friends distract me and keep me from thinking about you.

But I come home alone to my warm bed and can't help but wonder how great it would be to be lying beside you.

Posted at 2:57 PM I had the best summer of my entire life. I went to a shit ton of concerts (Bonnaroo - which is a music festival in Tennessee, Silopanna - music festival in Annapolis, Warped Tour, Life in Color, Shwayze, New Found Glory x2, The Dirty Heads, Pepper, and Aer) and I didn't even think about you for one moment, I didn't give you the time of day.

But I'm back where it all started and I think about you every single day. I have dreams about you and these dreams usually consist of how I wish you would make an effort to try to be with me again. Then I wake up and I'm reminded of how things ended so suddenly. How can you possibly tell me you love me and come two weeks, you never speak to me again? How can you make promises with me for the future when you don't acknowledge my existence now? How is this fair?

Why can't you miss me enough to talk to me again? I'm completely stupid for wanting you back. Maybe I just want the happiness I felt when I was with you.

They say time will heal but my longing for you burns more intensely than it did in May. Maybe I'm the exception to this saying.

Posted at 2:48 PM

Posted at 2:43 PM

I used to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to emphasize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to pain and my passion for it all.

First Posted at 1:43 PM Because I love writing in my journal, I thought I'd make an online journal. This way, I can put up photos that intrigue me on here instead of printing them out and wasting paper, just to glue it into my regular journal.

No, I'm not new at this online blog diary thing. I've been doing it for quite a few years but took an extended break a year or two ago. I'm back now and I don't intend on ever leaving again. For now, this blog stays anonymous just in case someone who actually knows me reads this blog. I have many opinions on everything and instead of just ignoring those opinions and keeping them to myself, I'd rather write it all down so that the wiser, older me can look back and reminisce on my younger self.

A few rules for myself though must be in place:

1. Tell no one of my secret diary unless I 100% trust that person. If that person proves to be untrustworthy, change the URL.
2. No shit talking about anyone. Nothing good ever comes from talking badly about someone.
3. Don't use real names. That'll give away too much of myself. Use initials.
4. Post everyday. Skipping a post is what drifted me away from my blog journals. Stick to it this time.